I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
