Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
