i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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