i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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