i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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