how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
