This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
