my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
