So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
