What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize