there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
