Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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