Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sobbing to NWA
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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