she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
