I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
