im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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