I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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