I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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