Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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