at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
