There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
