i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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