i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
