I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
