So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
