I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
