No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
