Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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