I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
