I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
