I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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