Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize