Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
