ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize