the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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