it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
