Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
