I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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