meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
