I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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