my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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