did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
two words: eviction party
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
