We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize