So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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