dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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