So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
