I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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