It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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