Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I look better un-naked...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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