he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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