after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize