I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize