I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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