clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
