Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
